The geography of English sex

Posted: May 9, 2010 in England, Essex, Geography of sex, Jokes, Middlesex, Sussex, Wessex

England circa AD 700

A break before we go to the polls!

In several years of teaching in the University of the Philippines, I have realized that nothing perks up a class (especially a class meeting during the ungodly hour from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm or from 1:00 to 2:30 pm) better than talk about sex.

Talk about dancing hormones and youth.

Anyway, I conjured this sexual geography of England a number of years ago (in fact, I might have copyrighted it in 2004 or 2005) and now decided to share it with this blog’s readers.

We all know the English (British) stereotype: cold fish with stiff upper lips forever twirling a long black umbrella in anticipation of unpredictable rain showers.  In this connection, I remember my first formal dinner in London (in a rented tux, mind you) and getting confronted with cold soup, cold cuts, cold what-ever…Needless to say, we Asians trooped to the nearest Chinese resto post haste.

Anyway, have you noticed the English place names–Essex, Wessex, Sussex, and Middlesex?  As things stand, apparently all points of the compass are covered except the North.  Which is why there’s no Nossex!

That seems to be the case even around AD 700 with West Seaxe, Suth Seaxe, Middel Seaxe and East Seaxe but without a North Seaxe.

This simply proves that the English, even if cold, are indeed quite sensible.

 

Modern England

What kind of sex happens in these locations?

In Essex?  Essential, esthetic, estimable, estranged, estrogenic, estrous, estuarine, esurient sex.

Wessex?  Weak-hearted, weak-kneed, weird, wet, wettish sex.

Sussex?  Suspect, suspended, suspicious, suspenseful, sustainable, sustentacular, susurrant, susurrous sex.

In Middlesex?  In Middlesex, the sex may be middling, blah, mediocre but guys in Middlesex still have sex–thank you very much indeed.

How about sex in the non-existent Nossex?  Would you think a place named Nossex will survive or even be populated?

What immediately comes to mind is that no sex ever happens in Nossex!

This seems to be proof positive that the cold English are a sensible lot.  They will not name a place Nossex for obvious reasons.

A student of mine during this summer session (RR Alberastine) countered that the English in the past may have lacked imagination.  The sex that could happen in Nossex is

non-stop (therefore non-sustainable),

non-aligned,

nouveau,

notable,

normal,

non-representational,

nonrestrictive,

non-residential,

nonpareil,

nominal,

noisy,

noble,

nocturnal,

nociceptive,

nomadic,

nonchalant,

noncombatant,

noncommital,

nonconformist,

noncooperative,

nondescript,

noneuclidan,

noninterventionist,

nonjuring,

nonpartisan,

nonplus,

nonproductive (thus will not contribute to population growth),

nonrigid,

nonscheduled,

nonsectarian,

nonsensical,

nonsignificant,

nonskid,

nonsporting,

nonstandard,

non troppo,

nonverbal,

nonviolent,

nosy,

nosediving,

no-show,

noteworthy,

noticeable,

notorious,

nourishing,

novel,

and unfortunately, even noxious .

However, they can even have nonagenarian sex–meaning guys in their nineties can still do it.

Given the wide range of sexual possibilities in Nossex, it’s quite and indeed a puzzle why there isn’t a Nossex in merry England.

Could it be for the same reason that our Sexmoan in Pampanga is now the bland Sasmuan?

Just asking!

BTW, doesn’t Sasmuan belong to the second congressional district of Pampanga?

Just asking, again!

BTW, she (need I say who?) is running as representative of the second district of Pampanga.  Do you remember her coy reply to a journalist’s question in an open press conference re her sex life a few years back?

PLENTY!




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  1. […] The busiest day of the year was May 11th with 110 views. The most popular post that day was The geography of English sex. […]

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